In the loving name of Jesus Christ; our precious Lord and Savior,
I praise God today for a stable, quiet, and peaceful mind. For as long as I can remember, I suffered from racing thoughts and as a result, people often didn’t know which one of me they’d be talking to at any given moment. I recall my father telling me once, “D, I have to be careful what and how I say things to you because I never know what might set you off.”
Oftentimes I mutilated myself to relax my min from the torment within. Anger and wrath were my companions along with confusion and paranoia. Everyone was a suspect. By the age of fourteen I was diagnosed as suffering from a personality disorder with suicidal and homicidal tendencies, manic depression, and bipolarism. I was what they called a “cutter” because I found pleasure in cutting myself. As a result, my family was leery of me and my friends were nonexistent. From the age of fourteen when my slicing started, needing medical attention after .
I spent my life medicated on psy-meds and if I didn’t have them, then I self-medicated with alcohol and drugs.
I’ve been in and out of the mental hospital and prisons waking up at night in screams because the darkness kept closing in on me. I attempted to find peace in Islam to no avail, I even tried to make peace with the devil himself and got exposed to HIV for my efforts. Life went on this way until three years ago. While sitting in Broad River Lock up, separated from my family, peers, and freed solely with the demons in my head and from my past, I began reading the only book in my cell…a book that I had rejected and talked down about all my life… the Holy Bible. You see… I was still a demon friendly Muslim.
I started reading from Matthew and when I came to II Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” something inside me shifted. So, I read that verse again and heard God telling me “yes, even you!”
You see, no one had ever told me that I HAD a sound mind that was given to me by God, I was always “knucklehead,” “crazy, wild”, “something’s wrong with you,” etc., etc.
That evening when the officer brought me my psychotropic meds, I was about to put them in my mouth when God reminded me what he said, “yes, even you!”
I sat on the side of my bunk with tears in my eyes battling with what I knew to have been true all my life and what God was telling me now. I was scared for the first tie because I felt so vulnerable and I didn’t know how to trust God, but I wanted to believe Him, I needed to believe Him. So, I did believe Him and I flushed those pills down the toilet. Broken, I cried to God to help me.
A few weeks later at a psy-appointment, my doctor asked, “How are you doing on your meds?” I told him that,” I no longer have to take my meds because God said that He has given me a sound mind.” If he thought I was crazy before, this statement only confirmed it for him. “Mr. M,” he says! Notice the Mr. M, not Inmate M. In his mind, I’m not talking nor am I on my meds, so beware.
“Mr. M, I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea, you do know how you can get. What are you going to do the next time that you get upset?” I told him, “I’m going to believe God’s word and He told me that He has given me a sound mind.” “Well Mr. M, we can up your doses!” “No, God said, He’s given me a sound mind.” “Well, we can change your med!” “Again sir, no thanks, God has given me a sound mind, I’ll will be okay.”
Reluctantly he allowed me to return to my cell with a stern warning ‘one episode out of you Mr. M, and we’ll have you committed for the remainder of your sentence.’ When I got back to my cell I went before God, “Lord, you heard what the doctor said. They already think that I’m crazy, so, if anything goes wrong I won’t lose faith, and You win because I told them that You gave me a sound mind and I’m trusting in You to come through.
This was in 2010.
In January 2013, the same doctor had a meeting with the Board of Mental Health and AFTER TWENTY-TWO YEARS of living as a mental patient, they finally came into agreement with God’s Truth and officially removed me from their mental health status!
There is POWER in God’s Everlasting Life Giving Word.
No longer do I walk in depression, but joy of the Lord, No anger, but peace through JESUS OUR LORD. I now offer comfort not wrath, encouragement and love, rather than hate because of JESUS’ mighty salvation. People don’t see a crazy man to fear, but a man of God who offers prayer. Be encouraged in the Lord and the power of His might.
Note to the hearer/readers…It is one thing to believe in God’s word, yet more to step out in faith and act on what you believe in God’s word.
James 1:22,24“ But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, a not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass! For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.”
James 2:17-18. “Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. Yea, a man may say, thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.”
I Samuel 15:22.“…. Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice…”
‘God’s word is the seed of Life.” Pray always, fast often, give thanks in all things, praise continually, keep the hope and dwell in love, always trusting in the LORD JESUS….
P.S: Due to lack of time allotted, it’s my prayer that God glorify Himself in your life as richly as He, Himself, has His life He lives through His vessel, I Am.
In Jesus’ Name, Disciple D.M